Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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