2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I am puke
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
