I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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