please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
