I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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