Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
