I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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