Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
