I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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