I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In America we eat man semen.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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