Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
