I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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