Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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