you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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