I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
