Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's just like the Real World with babies
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
