There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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