Who wears a wallet chain?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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