you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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