remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
