Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
