At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
