I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
