All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
