and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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