When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
