worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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