Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
