we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
