3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
