Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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