nut hugger
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
