Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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