It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
