My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
