i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
