We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
