I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
