I didn't shave. On purpose
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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