Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
