there's paper in my vomit.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
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Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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