someone threw a dead crab at me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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