if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
