I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
