Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
