My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
