You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
