My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
