She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
