Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
