made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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