sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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