her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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