the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
