Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
