Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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